The birthday wishes started at midnight, and as awesome as they were it was getting late n I put my phone on vibrate. I didn’t hear from him at midnight so i figured i wasn’t going to hear from him at all. I woke up in the morning and started running errands. I was a bit hesitant to look at my phone but I did anyways. I looked at the long list of text messages and there I saw his name. I dropped my phone n ran back into bed. My heart started pounding and tears just started to rise into my eyes. And here I thought I was making progress thinking I wouldn’t feel any pain but I was wrong. I got back up n reached for my phone and read it. It said happy birthday and congrats on graduating if I had done so already.
This made me think for a bit. Maybe he forgot what day I was graduating n that’s why I didn’t hear from him on that day. That kinda made me feel a bit better but then I thought how should I reply? Should I even reply? will that me be giving in? N what if he was doing it out of courtesy? Not Bcuz he missed me or he cared. But maybe because he didn’t want to look bad. So that’s why it took me 3 hrs to reply back. But I never got a response. So I sent a second text, got a reply apologizing for the delayed response he was at the movies. And there it was. A sharp pain in my heart. He was going about normally, living his life and enjoying it. Without me.
I wondered who he was with but i didn’t want to ask or seem needy. It’s been 3 months since we properly spoke. So all I said was that I was happy to see he was having fun n seemed happy. I got a thanks as a reply. He asked me what I dong for my birthday n I felt he was just asking to be nice and he didn’t really care–just making small talk. so I just played it off n kept general response. Didn’t want to bore him with what I was doing. I asked what he was up to n by that time I guess he fell asleep. But did text me at 12am or so saying he was going to work n listed reasons why that early. Again felt like he was just responding back to be polite cuz I had sent the last text asking a question. So I was just like oh ok I’ll leave u to ur work. N he said thanks. The conversation was so painful, only Bcuz I miss him so much. It felt good but also hurt to talk to him. Even as I’m writing this almost 12 hrs later I’m crying. He seemed happier not having me in his life. I guess that’s the thought that hurts me the most. Whether its a front or not ill never know.
I want to start talking to him n being like how we were but I can’t forget what he said. When we were having that fight he implied that only reason he talked to me was Bcuz he was lonely. I asked him what would happen or be the difference if i stopped talking to him n he just replied that he would be lonely. N I never thought he would imply something so hurtful but he did. N that’s why I always take that step back when I reach out out for my phone n text him.
I really love him-even after all he put me through. I can’t explain why but I do and if he’s happy without me then I just have to accept it n sacrifice my happiness for his.
