My summer job has been keeping me super busy, I’ve been learning a lot of things about myself lately. Some good things and not so many bad things (at least I think so). I’ve reconnected with one of my friends who has encouraged me to keep myself busy (he knows about the whole situation with you know who) and I did just that. I ordered this book called “Love Inshallah: The Secret Love Lives of American Muslim Women”. So eventually I received my book in the mail and started to read it. The first story I read brought me to tears. I dont know if it was because I have been so emotionally exhausted and my body just resorted to this act or what. I couldnt really put the book down and kept reading and reflecting about how I wished that I had a happy ending like some of the women did in their stories. The next night I realized after reading a story that didnt really have a happy ending that I shouldn’t look to this book as a solution to my current predicament or use it as a guide book-rather I should look at it as understanding that I am not the only person that is going through some sort of emotional roller coaster and I need to have faith that I will get through this.
The book has now become a blanket that I cuddle into for comfort so my mind doesnt go into that corner where I feel pity for myself. Love Inshallah has really put things into perspective but at the same time I don’t want to feel like I have to change myself and be more religious in order to have my own happy ending. I mean yes it motivates me a bit and I do want to be better with how I practice my religion but I don’t want to be more religious be because I want something out of it. That would be for the wrong reasons I change myself and that’s just not right. I must say tho that everyday it is getting easier to not feel what I feel for him. I guess the more I am questioning my feelings and getting an answer the more the feelings start to decline in intensity. I started to think what about our “relationship” (and I use this VERY loosely only because I can’t even pinpoint what the hell was going on for the past 4 yrs).
Right so where was I. Yes, what about this “thing” we had made me happy? Did he make me happy? What did he do that made me happy? What exactly did I get out of it? The answer was that he didn’t really do much that made me happy. The thing was really mechanical and technical, conversations soon became like clockwork. For example: What did you do today? Did you eat? Do you have a lot of work to do? Questions like these became daunting. I wasn’t really truly happy like how the women in the book describe the happiness that their soon to be boyfriend/husband brought in their lives which was challenging them in every way possible so they can grow personally and spiritually. It probably didnt help that we don’t live anywhere near each other but at the same time, I feel like there could have been many opportunities for him to make me happy. It doesn’t take much to make me happy (trust me-i get warm fuzzies smelling fresh laundry out of the dryer and my day is golden). He could have insisted me visiting him or him coming to visit me if he seriously felt anything for me. Do remember he had the opportunity to come to my graduation and visit me. We had been planning this on and off for almost like a year. It would get mentioned and I’d get a “We’ll see” and soon became to “ok lets look at hotels” but as soon as we got into that disagreement and I sarcastically was like “dont feel obligated to come to visit-dont go through all that trouble for just me” he was like “Ok. Thanks.” It was like that moment in the movie Parent Trap and I wish i could find a video but here was the conversation:
Nick Parker: You know, I may never be alone with you again. So about that day you packed, why’d you do it?
Elizabeth James: Oh, Nick. We were so young. We both had tempers, we said stupid things so I packed. Got on my very first 747, and you didn’t come after me.
Nick Parker: I didn’t know that you wanted me to.
Elizabeth James: Well, that really doesn’t matter anymore.
Basically he should of still came to my graduation or even after or whatever to come see me. But he didn’t-and who knows maybe he didnt know I still wanted him to come but yea this is where we are.
If I was lucky I got the occasional “miss you” but that was really it. Did he ever encourage me to do better in certain aspects of my life like religion or personally? Did he ever encourage me to try something new? The answer was not really, at times yes, but if i was to list off and pinpoint I really cant-and its not because I want to black out everything thats happened so far. It’s because it really didnt happen often.
To give credit where it is due, when we were in each others presence I was happy. He made me feel happy because we talked about everything and anything, we were comfortable around each other, we spent time just being in each others presence. He did things like treat me to breakfast, we would have dinner, make me try new things like sardines and duck, and bear through the touristy things I wanted to do because he WANTED to. That feeling of talking to me and being in my presence because he WANTED TO made all the difference because it was obviously reciprocated. But once we parted that feeling slowly, that “wantingness” slowly declined on his part and it was always me making an effort to continue what we experienced when we were together. And that became super exhausting.
If someone were to ask me to summarize how I felt thus far-I would probably say that is has been burdening. I have been in a state of emotional turmoil all the time. The tantrums of going missing for months and having me worry, the constant indecisiveness to put a “label” on what we had. I was always questioning the importance and meaning I had in his life. The lack of him being able to express his feelings to me and using a the famous “I don’t know” as a cop out. Granted I did get the usual “you are an amazing person” but it’s not the same as a “I love you, I want us to have a future together-lets give this a try”. Writing all this up right now is just really making my throat close up. You see it makes me physically sick to even type all this up without it taking some toll on me.
You know how I got that birthday present right? I got the same thing I did the first time he ever sent me a birthday present. It made me think-how much does he really know me? He gave me the same thing, and part of me wasn’t really happy. Even though the old me would be over the moon just to hear from him-this new me that is still growing was questioning the presents. Was it like a peace offering to start over? Was it because he didn’t know what else to get me -what is really behind this redundant gift. Well knowing me I obviously asked-and the reply was he figured I’d want some memorabilia of the event that was happening in the country. It made me think-why would I though? Anyway I digress. I mean it was nice for him to think of me I suppose.
He’s on vacation now and ever since my birthday he’s been keeping in touch saying hi and by here and there and I just have been keeping the conversations and I dunno, I dont mind talking to him but at the same time I’m not sure as to the purpose of it is. I mean he got what he’s wanted, a vacation somewhere sunny, away from work, nothing to worry about, doesnt have to worry about me or if he ever did I dont know but I guess what im getting at is that he doesnt have to worry about having adult like conversations and figuring out if he wants to be in a relationship blah blah all that crap. AND YET he’s texting me being on vacation. Whats that about?! I just wish I knew the thought process and what goes on in his head. All I know that it is not right to have cake and eat it too or however the saying goes.
Sometimes I feel like I am beating a dead horse, using this blog as a bitch fest about the non existent complicated people in my life. But hey you are reading this for some odd reason..so keep reading.