Cant sleep. Keep thinking about him. Tears of anger roll down my nose as I lay on my stomach in bed. What if he’s met someone? Why didn’t he wish me on my graduation? So many questions not enough answers. Yet I still want to text him n say hi.
I need help.
So I have started my job/internship and boy it’s pretty hectic. My birthday is comin up soon, kinda thinking about deactivating my Facebook. I don’t want to be reminded of the voids in my life relationship wise. Because lot of ppl might wish me and my eyes will be searching for someone I know who prolly won’t.
Have has a fever all day. Not happy about it. Took some NyQuil n it’s not even working. I miss my RA staff, being on campus without them is weird.
When we arrive into the world, the doctors/nurses/books tell our mothers that touching your baby sparks millions of neurons (excuse me all science people for I cant remember the right terms). Physical touch is very important in your babies growth. Then as you grow older and your hormones start to develop and bloom in full force, you want to be touched. And I dont always mean sexually, I’m talking about hugs, someone patting you on the shoulder, etc. It reaffirms the fact that we are real, because lets face it, receiving affection never gets old. Whether its from the same sex or the opposite, humans crave it.
I’ve been craving it too. There is such a void, a sense of warmth that is missing from life at the moment. It only hits me at night when im goin to bed lol its kinda creepy i know but it is what it is. seriously. I just want to be held Whether its my hand or my whole damn body. My body is screaming for it and its falling on deaf ears. Its nights like these where I understand the perspective my mom is coming from when she says “you need to get married”. Now I don’t want to get married, but I see her point. Loneliness isn’t fun and since my mom has experienced that first hand wit not being in a real marriage since the age of 25-not being touched-not having sex from her own husband because he was too busy fucking a white woman. My mom is now 46 and says that she doesnt crave touch/sex anymore. But I dont think its completely true. Its impossible. Right?
With that information I carry with me almost every day, I can see why mom wants me to get married. She doesnt want me to be lonely because she knows how that is and if you know my mom (and I do so thats good enough) she wouldnt want her child to go through that. Only problem is that I want to do it my own terms. No forced meetings of seeing potential suitors and shit like that. I want it to happen naturally, just meet someone unexpectedly, get to know them, and have everything fall into place. Oh wait, that did happen, carried on for 4 years-but he didnt want a relationship/wasnt ready to commit.
My best friend Joanne is getting married, I’m unbelievably happy for her. It just makes me think that back in high school we thought no man is ever going to make us feel miserable. We were going to be the ones in control of our lives and we both were going to write a book about how women need to get their shit together and handle their men. We were gonna call out the women that got insecure BECAUSE of men and tell them to GET OVER IT. We were gonna call out the women who chose their relationships over their friends (and its a good thing I havent reached that point). Clearly, Jo has been doing well. I on the other hand have fallen off track. Actually I dont know what the fuck went wrong. Sometimes I feel like I’ve become one of those women who let their relationship status control their lives and eat at their identity. The same women I thought I’d never be. But here I am.
Currently listening to: Princess of China by Coldplay ft. Rihanna and Pure Imagination by GLEE cast
So, I’ve finished my finals and am just working with checking out the ressies (plus dealing with leftover roommate drama). But checkouts go until 9pm and then after that I get to relax and hang out..problem is by myself. I’m bored and kinda lonely. I have no motivation to pack, I mean I’m here for like another week and its a good thing I have a TV (thats usually keeping me company). I feel like I’ve already gone and browsed through the websites that I usually explore and I’m running out of options. I mean there are things that I should be doing like fixing my LinkedIn and other stuff but I honestly don’t have motivation to do important stuff like that. I was thinking today about how someone I used to be really close to. I was thinking that now it doesn’t hurt me as much in the beginning and I might be getting over it. I think its mainly because they really haven’t made an effort to grown personally and make amends with their relationship with me. It’s pretty clear that I am not important and that has been comforting in a weird way because my brain now functions like this “they don’t care about you, so you shouldn’t feel bad or care” and automatically I feel OK and don’t feel any hurt. It’s pretty great lol
Get this, its been raining here in Chicago for the past 2 weeks. Nonstop. It’s INSANELY cool. However, graduation is creeping up soon and I have waited too long to wear my amazing dress and my amazing heels for the weather to continue like this on graduation night. Seriously, it needs to end for just that day and we are good to go. It has been so crazy with finals week, work and everything else that I’ve gone off track with my new healthy lifestyle. I need to rededicate myself starting tomorrow morning for sure. I need to feel physically good and not yucky on graduation so tomorrow at 6:30am I will be hitting the gym with my buddies. I’m gonna try to go bed early tonight like around 230am 
and hopefully will be awake to get ready to go sweat off all this emotional baggage.
See you in the morning folks!
By 23 I thought I would have a
And a
Where I really am:
It has been one hell of a week, emotionally and physically. My body physically hurts from all that I’ve been going through with school and just relationship wise. My whole left side has been knotted up for a week to the point where I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I had people at work punch, poke, and pinch me and it was safe to say I came out of it alive, no bruises and still no sensation. Things have been rough since this last semester started, we weren’t talking as much–I wasn’t talking or seeing any of the constant people that I talk to on a daily basis and it was really screwing my zen. And it wasn’t because any of us were avoiding each other on purpose or anything, we were all just so busy. But I couldn’t take it anymore, things needed to change. A couple conversations and lunches happened to mold to this change. There was just one more conversation that needed to happen. Yep. I won’t even say it. You all already know.
We had a conversation last Friday about the lack of communication and how it wasn’t healthy. And before we got into the suggestions of what we could do to make it better, I thought it would be a good time to have the conversation of where all this was going. Because to me it seemed that the lack of communication effected me more than him so it made me think. This conversation has been avoided for so long in these past 4 years or so. I figured we’re both adults and we already went through this before I got back from India. He should have an answer by now right? Wrong. I got the same answer I always heard every time we tried to have this conversation. “I don’t know.” Of course I got this answer after pushing and pushing him to say something rather than nothing and lay in bed listening to nothing but pure silence. When I heard this, I wasn’t angry, I think I expected this because I felt like I pushed him to say that. Fact of the matter is, I’ll never really know. All I could feel was an overwhelming sensation of exhaustion on my heart and on my body.
I don’t think I’ll ever understand how someone doesn’t know how they feel about a person or have any inclination of what they want in this part of their life. It’s beyond my cranial comprehension of how this works. I get that distance can be an issue but to rebuttal that I would say that you can have someone physically close to you and not really know them. So how did these 4 yrs of knowing each other not mean anything? How can you not come to a conclusion or an idea of what you want from each other? or this relationship? I feel like its such a cop out to use distance as an excuse. After I pose the question of “you have the world to your disposal, why me? why am I so important?” I hear “But they arent you” so after hearing this any person would conclude that ‘hey maybe I do have some meaning and importance in someones life–but at the same time I’m clearly not important enough for you to be honest with me and even make an effort to try to figure out what you want. I get asked “so whats stopping you?” What’s stopping me? I know what I want from life, from this relationship, and from you. Obviously I can’t make you feel a certain way for me but for you to not try and reflect on this part of your life and instead just tell me “I don’t know” is a cop out.
I get it–its scary to be in a relationship, I’ve never been in one myself, but I’m willing to be scared n go through it together. Clearly the other wasn’t and I couldn’t do anything about it. I don’t think I’ve ever asked for much in whatever all this was, I feel like I cant win either way. So what am I going to do now? I’m gonna wait and see what happens. What really sucks is I actually was foolish enough to think I would have a great last year in college. I hate myself everyday for thinking I could ever have a good experience, whether its school, life or relationships.
I texted Christina right away because I knew I was gonna need a real friend this week to help me keep my composure and let me feel whatever I wanted to feel. So the week passed by, life was continuing at a glacial pace where every few moments I had time to myself, “thoughts” popped into my head of what had just happened and my eyes just teared up thinking about all of it. I did cry it out a couple times in Christina’s apartment, she was definitely checking up on me this whole week and making sure I wasn’t isolating myself into darkness. Thank God for her, I don’t know what I would have done to be honest or how I would have handled it. It’s been hard, and now if anything I feel disappointed. Disappointed that in these 4 years a person that I knew and grown to adore and possibly love didnt know what they wanted from this “friendship” and didn’t want to be in a relationship. After all that I’ve been through, I certainly did prepare myself for the day I would hear this “I don’t know” again or a “its not going to work out” but can you truly prepare for it when it does happen. Probably not.
I’m not the kind of person that gives up really easily. I’m not the kind of person that goes from guy to guy either. I think being surrounded by so many failed relationships its motivated me to be stronger in the ones I try to build. However, it’s a two way street. I deserve better, I deserve someone that will love me and give me what I need for my life to feel complete. I deserve someone that will take the time to know what they want in life and out of their relationships and be able to articulate it. From the 4 years I’ve spent of my life being there for that person and being so supportive of whatever that came across our way, I deserve a better answer than “I don’t know.”
So when runners are running a marathon, I’ve seen the term “The wall” being used a lot. This phrase basically means when a runner hits a mental block and they cant run anymore. But then again lets see what urban dictionary has to say:
n. Feeling often felt by runners during a bad race. Basically, what happens is your brain says “go faster” but your legs say “fuck you”. Though invisible, this object is very real.
oh but wait theres a better definiton:
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A Term created From Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’ album which implys that a person is stuck behind some sort of physiological wall, unable to reach the outside world, unable to find reality, only leaving small holes in the wall for whomever he or she cares the most for. This can be extremely traumatic for the person who has in a way ‘built’ the wall around him or herself in order to escape or run away from the real life problems or people. This condition is often paired with manic or regular depression.
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How cool huh.
Well thats exactly whats going on folks. I think I’ve hit ‘the wall’ when it comes to my creativity. All that creative energy is no where to be found. Maybe because I’m unhappy with things such like I havent figured out my topic for my capstone, or my friends havent really been good with communicating with me. I need my friends to talk to me and and be around. I dont like chasing people down. It’s tiring, its frustrating and unnecessary. But wait now I feel kind of guilty. I’ve neglected this blog a lot because things were going fine and I was happy. I shouldnt have neglected it, but I was busy as well. So here I stand today declaring that I will try better to update the blog and let u know whats going on.
Anyone have any ideas of how to get rid of this creative block?
send me suggestions! all kinds are welcome! tweet them to me @c_insomniac
I ended up getting an iPhone 4S–the battery sucks but everything else is amazing. Its made my life a bit easier.
just finished my first week of school—it was decent, had to switch up a couple of things so im still graduating in may but taking my internship class and another class in the summer.
really trying to be focused on my capstone class. Its basically a dissertation sort of thing where you do this project on what you want to do for the rest of your life—no pressure right? eh.
brother in law came from india on new years eve–having major culture shock and hard time adjusting. feel bad for him, hopefully he pulls thru for his own sake.
winter break was ok—would of wished it was a bit more eventful and less dramatic.
This week has been moving at a decent pace but I’m not sure what it is but I feel really upset the past couple of days. I was trying to figure out my life and some things worked out (thank god) but then I also realized I’m still not moving forward. At least it feels like that. Two of my friends got engaged this week and I’m totally happy for them but at the same time, its a reminder of this void thats in my life. Dont get me wrong, I dont want to get married anytime soon. Not till I graduate and get my foot in the door to an actual career/job. But its hard living with someone that always has their boyfriend over and see them spend time with each other. I bet if he lived closer and we got to hang out, I wouldnt feel this way. Its hard to watch about all of your friends progress in their relationships when you are not moving anywhere. Like I said, at least it feels like that.
I wish he lived closer, so at least I got to see him, its been like 2 years. Its also hard knowing that he’s now going to be super busy at work for the next year and we have to have these mundane one word conversations that are equivalent to a sentence within a week. Its frustrating that when I am free on the weekends and look forward to having a decent conversation n just be able to hear his voice, hes too busy doing work and ends up falling asleep. I get mad waiting around. Then I feel bad for being mad at him for it because I know he’s doing work and its important. Blah. Its a never-ending torturous circle. Its gonna take a lot of patience if its going to be like this for a whole year. I really miss him. Then I think ok, we’re so used to being so far from each other, what if when we are face to face with each other its awkward. Or he wont be attracted to me cuz I dont look the way I do when we first met. So then I think ok, maybe its a good thing that we are so far apart. Then I realize that its not healthy way to go about relationships at all. I cant let fear consume me like that. Whatever will happen, will happen whether or not I want it to. Some things will just be out of my control and I will just have to deal with it.
On top of that The Notebook was on tv and it just made me feel worse. I hate that movie, only because it makes you feel like crap and you cant turn away from it at the same time because it is indeed a decent movie.
Moral of the story: I need to stop watching chick flicks on tv.
